Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an _______ (you get the idea).

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

An excerpt for your reading pleasure:

CHOMSKY: Or pathways deprived of giant spiders. And what is Gandalf’s long-term solution to the crisis of the divided peoples of Middle Earth? To install a puppet king of questionable provenance while the Elves continue their slow withdrawal back to the West? Meanwhile, a couple of drunkard Hobbits stagger toward a volcano while carrying a worthless ring. Gandalf is venal, he is calculating, he is ruthless, but he is not stupid.

[or this section...]

ZINN: It’s true. One shiny trinket is tossed into these creatures’ lives and immediately you see the malodorous aftereffects of economic inequality, which is enacted here on a disturbingly intimate scale.

CHOMSKY: If the story ended here after Sméagol strangles Déagol, I think we’d have a really brilliant—almost Dreiserian—economic critique.

ZINN: As Sméagol’s degeneration into Gollum is shown, we should note that it is never really established that the ringis causing this collapse into baldness, tooth loss, and green skin.

CHOMSKY: Yes. There is a lacuna between Sméagol’s first spell of invisibility and the montage of him weeping on the rocks. What really happened between those moments? What unchronicled sufferings did Gollum undergo during the time before Bilbo Baggins arrived at the Misty Mountains, cheated him in a patently unfair riddle game, stole his ring, and left him utterly defenseless? What happened before he became an unwitting pawn in the Great Game of Middle Earth? We don’t know.

ZINN: Now we flash forward to Sam and Frodo, deeply embarked upon their journey toward Mount Doom. What do they do? They sleep an extraordinary amount, and when they’re not sleeping they stagger about with the glazed and dissipated stare of recovering addicts. Clearly they’re struggling with pipe-weed and mead withdrawal. Where exactly are they now? 
 
CHOMSKY: Mordor, the “dark land.” Which you correctly pointed out before we began should be properly known as Orcistan.

ZINN: Naturally, seeing that it’s Men who trapped the Orcs within its borders and started referring to these lands as “Mordor.” Orcs, of course, used to live throughout Middle Earth, before they were corralled—in a heartbreaking Orcish “Trail of Tears”—into this inhospitable, seismically active land.

CHOMSKY: Note later the beautiful, fertile fields between Minas Tirith and the mountains that encircle Mordor. Neither Men nor Orcs cultivate them, and clearly the purpose of the garrison at Osgiliath is to keep Orcs away from valuable farmland. 
 
(cont’d here)

Still, every Thanksgiving I load up on mashed potatoes so I can play with them.  I always find myself sculpting faces into my mashed potatoes as I decide which side dishes I wish to devote my precious stomach room to:

Stomach Room = 80% Turkey/gravy +20% sides

Fear comes in the form of becoming full on Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving, I made some new discoveries. Cranberry sauce acts as a great pallet refresher and drinking wine with Thanksgiving dinner instead of milk allows you to both eat more and sleep sounder.

After three plates full of food and sculpting beautiful portraits of Katie Holmes and Barack Obama into my mashed potatoes, I was ready for a nap.

Better World Books’ Atlanta office enjoyed a pre-Thanksgiving feast. I contributed the cranberry sauce to the office feast.  The trick to cranberry sauce is so disguise the can-like appearance or embrace the cylinder shape by cutting it into delicious circles.

Did you know that you can make apple pie without apples?  My father grew up eating “mock apple pie.”  During World War 2 there was a shortage of apples and to keep the All-American dessert alive, cracker companies came up with mock apple pie.  Below is the recipe.  It’s the imitation crab meat of the dessert world.

Mock Apple Pie

The classic pie, featuring crackers baked in a golden crust,
is perfect for the holidays.

Pastry for two-crust 9-inch pie
36 crackers, coarsely broken (about 1 3/4 cups crumbs)
1 3/4 cups water
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated peel of one lemon
2 tablespoons margarine or butter
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1. Roll out half the pastry and line a 9-inch pie plate. Place
cracker crumbs in prepared crust; set aside.

2. Heat water, sugar and cream of tartar to a boil in saucepan
over high heat; simmer for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and peel;
cool.

3. Pour syrup over cracker crumbs. Dot with margarine or butter;
sprinkle with cinnamon. Roll out remaining pastry; place over pie.
Trim, seal and flute edges. Slit top crust to allow steam to escape.

4. Bake at 425 F for 30 to 35 minutes or until crust is crisp
and golden. Cool completely.

Makes 10 servings

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION per serving
413 calories, 3 g protein, 63 g carbohydrate, 17 g total fat,
3 g saturated fat, 339 mg sodium, 0 g dietary fiber.

Preparation Time: 45 mins.
Cook Time: 30 mins.
Cooling Time: 3 hrs.
Total Time: 4 hrs. 15 mins.

In the commercial the people could not believe they were eating pasta they could have delivered to their front door for a mere 12 bucks. They had no idea that their meal had been a ruse. I think that they should have had a clue when the fancy restaurant had macaroni and cheese with bacon on the menu. “What varietal of wine do you suggest I have with the macaroni and cheese with bacon?”

I once took a girl to a fancy restaurant and she broke the rule of expensive dining: You don’t complain until you get to the car.

Here is why:

1) It is expensive so you have to at least pretend to enjoy it, it’s called a sunk cost effect.

2) You never know, it may be a ruse and you could end up on TV if you say you like the food.

1) They had free wi-fi

2) I wanted to make some new friends.

My plan went sour when I was informed by the coffee house wi-fi server
that I was not allowed to go to my intended website.   Apparently, the
company is against online dating.  I like online dating.

Online dating saves money.  (That is if you use a free dating site)

I am a bit of a value fan.  Some people say I am cheap but I
am not cheap. I am efficient.  I’m not going to say what coffee shop I
was in but I’ll give you a hint.  It is everywhere.
Plan A to meet people didn’t work.

Plan B
I was forced to attempt to talk to the strangers in the coffee shop.
Complete strangers, not the good kind of strangers.

Not a dating website stranger.

Not cute strangers with similar taste in movies and books
and cute pictures they took of themselves with a phone.
Strangers are strangers in coffee shops but there are clues. You
shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but we all find ourselves judging
people by the cover of the book they are reading.

I was reading cliffs notes so I suppose I appeared efficient. I used
to read cliffs notes because I was a lazy high school student.  I
read cliffs notes as an adult because I am efficient.

Since we do judge each other by what we are reading, I wish I had a
book titled “How to Stay Awesome” written in big letters on the cover.
Women would think wow that guy looks pretty awesome.

I recently ordered a book from betterworld.com.  I was proud to order from my company because I know that Better World Books erases carbon foot prints.

If you don’t know what a carbon footprint is… don’t
worry about it. I felt smarter before I tried to understand the
concept.  This is how I understand it. A carbon footprint is like
gingivitis and Better World Books is like Listerine but Listerine that
also raises funds for non-profit literacy partners.

Who will fully appreciate the brilliance of this book?  It’s not until someone says that right thing at that right time that it strikes me. You would appreciate this book. You have proven yourself worthy.  You deserve my book.

When I hear a guy go on about a girl, song, and movie in one breath, I know he deserves to read High Fidelity.  When some Dude says “I feel like the only manly thing I do is open jars and replace the water cooler jug in the office,” I say you deserve to read Fight Club.

Some people appreciate geysers. Some people are fascinated by geysers. I spent a summer working in Yellowstone National Park and I saw Old Faithful.  Watching Old Faithful erupt is like watching water shoot out of the ground.  It just didn’t appreciate the science and the reliability of the matter.

I had more fun watching the people watching Old Faithful, some people were amazed, some were texting their friends, and some were making out.  Later that summer a friend offered me his book on geysers. Based on actually seeing a geyser, I wasn’t sure about the book, but he insisted so I took it from him. Reading the book was as rewarding as reading a book about hot water coming out of the ground.  I didn’t deserve that book.

Two weeks later I had a cute friend come and visit me.  She was so cute I bought her a cute 700 dollar ticket for her to come visit me. At that altitude you don’t care about money.  As I took my cute friend to see Old Faithful I remembered those two making out as Old Faithful did his thing.  As I went in to kiss my cute friend she didn’t even notice; she was too amazed at this hot water coming out of the ground. I nearly fell in love with her as I watched her study the geyser.  I had a book she deserved.

Another friend of mine believed she was psychic.  She let me borrow a Silvia Brown book.  If you do not know already, Silvia Brown is one of the most successful psychics out there.  I accidentally left the book at the airport. When I told my psychic friend I lost her book she seemed surprised. Perhaps she isn’t a psychic.

It doesn’t take a psychic to see that Better World Book is going to continue to realize the value of used books and erase illiteracy one book at a time. Better World Books is like that friend that deserves books.

Better World Books came to Riverfest to sell books and engage in a great festival, they came to put a creatively designed float in the water, but most of all they came to win.  Like a rookie in battle who is too ignorant to know to fear a war champion, Better World Books was the lowly infantry man to Niles’ Achilles; but unlike the lofty Greek, Niles had no perceivable weakness.  Better World Books would have to simply be the better team.

Murmurs spread around the festival all day of a young upstart team, made up of heart and absolutely no talent whatsoever, a bookish crowd with warehouse tans that would take on the Olympic level competition of the iron-fisted Niles crowd.  Could the tiny Better World Books boat stand against the wrath of the Dragon Boat embodiment of Posiedon himself?

The race started close, jitters clearly affecting Better World Books as the Viking like warriors of Niles stroked even and true.  But slowly something changed.  Cows lay down when it is going to rain–they just feel it in the air and react–so when all of the kids stopped playing and went to watch the river, the prescience of the youth was palpable; victory would be a cruel mistress today.

Only a few meters left, rowing beyond their own abilities, infused with the spirit of Michael Phelps, the scrappy squad of ARC stud, Jorge Fragoso, Howard Roark-esque architect Jaime Knabet, superstar receiver, Javier Castro and hard hitting Maintenance standout David Sherwood were joined by the husband and wife Majerek in an epic throwdown.   Also, Better World Books saw promise in a few Niles folks who were left off the famed squad.  It was those few crew members, the rejects, who had become the proverbial cornerstones of the squad.  With this group they would stand strong, crushing through the ripples of the river and the mighty approach of the heroes of Niles, Michigan.

Better World Books: Ballerific

Life moves on, and as Herodotus said, “You can never step in the same river twice.”  Jordan has retired and Montana is in the booth, and Niles, Michigan is left scratching their heads as to how a small upstart company came in and simultaneously sold books while taking the checkered flag at their own flagship event.  Will they ever recover or are the nouveau riche of the Dragon Boat circuit set to become the next giants of the Mitten State scene?  Only time will tell, but the pantheon of great teams will truly never be the same.

With the holidays around the corner, I guess my Christmas wish list could include new running shoes or some sort of ab blaster but why torture myself when I can do something I really enjoy?  Did you know that you can burn Calories just by reading?  It’s true I read it online and I burned a calorie doing it too.  So I crunched the numbers and at my weight, I will only need to read for 2800 hours to offset this past Thanksgiving dinner!  Well I guess my Christmas list just got condensed to just BetterWorld.com and since it is open 24/7, there will be plenty of time for my family and friends to get my Christmas gifts.  Happy shopping!

You may also have heard the fancy business jargon:  “With the certification, Better World Books joins a growing international network of purpose-driven businesses dedicated to setting a new standard for social and environmental performance, creating benefit for all stakeholders, not just shareholders.”

How ironic, a statement that explains how B corporations are different from a standard “C Corporation”, but uses the same confusing business-speak to do so.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have a business degree, and I respect and understand the need for very specific language and multi syllabic nomenclature in order to be effective within the business world;  however, I also understand how corporate vernacular can sound ridiculous to the average human being.

So lets break it down for  a second.  Capitalism itself has a bad reputation to many people.  You hear “Capitalism”, you think “big evil corporation exploiting people”. And  then you hear things like “the best way to make your operation more robust is by improving your economies of scale“, and you think “who actually talks like that?”.  ( I will admit, I occasionally speak like that) But let’s face it, Capitalism itself is powerful.  What if we could harness this power, and use it for good?

Well, that’s what it means to be  B Corporation.  The power of Business, the intention of goodness.  It’s like using a Hybrid cars made out of recycled parts to deliver meals on wheels to hungry people.

Or in our case, it is selling books to promote literacy.

You may have noticed that I used the word “ironic” a couple paragraphs up here.  Being that we are all about literacy, I feel compelled to clear up how this word is often misused.  Many people have said “that is ironic”, when they actually meant to say “that is humorous”, or “that is unfortunate”.  Irony means  achieving a result that is the opposite of your intentions.  The best example is Oedipus, from Greece.  He was given a prophecy that he would someday kill his father and marry is mother.  Clearly, that is not something he would want to happen… so he moved far away.  As a result of his departure, he ended up not even recognizing his parents later in life, and (SPOILER ALERT!! Stop reading if you do not want to know the fate of Oedipus) he ended up in fact killing his father and marrying his mother.  Poor Oedipus.

Now, I could say “how ironic that I warned you of ‘spoiling’” the Oedipus story.  But that would be wrong.  It is not ironic at all, just humorous that I would use a spoiler alert to protect you  from learning the end of a story that has been around for millions of years*, when typically spoiler alerts are only used for new stories.

In Summary:
1. Better World Books is proud to be a B Corporation.
2. B Corportions are awesome.
3. Irony is a powerful literay device if used properly, but with great power comes great responsibility.
4. Times were tough in Ancient Greece

*Hyperbole used for effect.